Grief is a funny old thing. For some people it’s easy to express: they openly grieve, sobbing at anything that reminds them of that which they have lost. Other people are completely opposite. They find it difficult to convey how they feel, or even admit to themselves how they feel and thus the grief isn’t deal with.
Why on earth am I writing such a blog post? You may ask. I’m writing it because for the last few weeks I have been grieving. Or supposed to have been grieving. For some bizarre reason or other I’ve been finding it quite impossible to grieve properly. I’m not heartless or uncaring because this is a loss which effects me greatly and cuts deeply and yet I just can’t seem to outwardly grieve.
So what exactly does Cameron Diaz have to do with this issue? If you’ve seen the film The Holiday (it also had Jude Law, Jack Black and Kate Winslet in it) then you might remember her character Amanda Woods. Amanda cannot cry at the beginning of the movie. Even when her boyfriend (or husband, but I think boyfriend) cheats on her and she throws him out. She’s effected enough to go from America to England for Christmas but she can’t cry, even though she tries her hardest.
And that is why she’s relevant. I can’t seem to cry about this. It took my boyfriend close to 45 minutes to even get an emotional response from me and that passed in a matter of moments. I know I need to grieve properly and it is affecting me otherwise. I’ve lost weight without intending or attempting to – jeans bought for me approximately a month ago are baggy enough to fit a side-facing fist down the side and constantly slip down so I have to pull them up what feels like every five seconds.
So I’m appealing for help: any ideas how I can process this grief properly? Talking doesn’t seem to have much of an impact as I just go numb to my feelings and I’d like to deal with it rather than bottle it up which is never healthy.